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TRANSLATING THE WANT-AD | |
| "COMPETITIVE SALARY" | We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. |
| "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY" | We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers. |
| "NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER" | Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since. |
| "IMMEDIATE OPENING" | The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad. |
| "SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER" | We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check. |
| "SELF-MOTIVATED" | Management won't answer questions. |
| "WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS" | After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay. |
| "PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS" | After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution. |
| "SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE" | ....who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries. |
| "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" | We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. |
| "COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT" | We have a lot of turnover. |
| "EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT" | Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts. |
| "JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM" | We all listen to nutty motivational tapes. |
| "FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT" | Your coworkers will be insulted if you don't drink with them. |
| "A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT" | We booze it up at company parties. |
| "MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" | You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. |
| "SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED" | If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it. |
| "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" | Some time each night and some time each weekend. |
| "SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k" | We'll offer you $22k to start. |
| "A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION" | You'll give boring speeches on your own time. |
| "FLEXIBLE HOURS" | Work 40 hours; get paid for 25. |
| "DUTIES WILL VARY" | Anyone in the office can boss you around. |
| "WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED" | Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is. |
| "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" | We have no quality control. |
| "COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED" | Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion. |
| "CAREER-MINDED" | Female applicants must must be childless (and remain that way). |
| "APPLY IN PERSON" | If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled. |
| "NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" | We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality. |
| "SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" | You'll need it to replace three people who just left. |
| "PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST" | You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. |
| "REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" | You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. |
| "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" | Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it. |
| "ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD" | You whine, you're fired. |
| "ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY" | We loooooove brown-nosers. |